


Post-Canon Utopia

by Atlas48



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25533097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atlas48/pseuds/Atlas48
Summary: The characters of Homestuck find themselves in a new world, under the ownership of a new author.
Kudos: 1





	1. The Author is Dead, Long Live the Author

Atlas sat in his room. Nothing much else happened today. Yesterday, however, he won a fan dialoglog writing competition by accidentally rigging it in his favor.

A particular hobby of his was making them, The Homestuck Subreddit's CSS was nice and permissive, allowing him to write a couple as a form of caption to various posts. It was nice to make them every now and then, and he felt rather validated by the whole process.

So he decided to try his hand at writing more, and stringing together what was already there. _Why not make a framing device too?!_ he thought.

And so he got to work...

* * *

Dave: ow  
Dave: shit  
Dave: ok what kind of nasty clown magic shit happened this time  
Dave: shit did someone mention quadrants around karkat again my head is nothing but pain  
John: oh, hi dave!  
Dave: oh shit hi john  
Dave: so you have any clue what sorta shits going down because i do not recognize this place at all  
John: i don't know much, all i know is that this place is apparently called "post-canon".  
Dave: post canon?  
Dave: like were some kinda storybook characters  
Dave: i mean shit that would make sense given the sorta shit weve been through  
John: i........ guess?  
John: this weird voice thingy said that this is kinda a place to "relax" now that we've done everything.  
John: there's like rooms for a lot of people we've met.  
John: we've even got rooms!  
John: and my room looks exactly like how my room was, before we played sburb.  
Dave: ok gonna stop you there  
Dave: "weird voice thingy"?  
John: when i woke up, some voice kinda just appeared out of nowhere and told me that  
John: it also said "take this magic tolberone, you'll need it"

* * *

Dave: yo can i have some  
John: it's actually solid gold.  
John: like this is kinda just those gold bricks you see in cartoons but in the shape of a toblerone.  
Dave: shit i was kinda craving chocolate  
Dave: you ever kinda just wake up and think "shit lets eat chocolate"  
Dave: thats me right now  
Dave: hopefully this is like some kinda heaven where theres a fuck ton of the stuff  
Dave: hey john why are you doing a he man pose with it  
John: i'm showing you what it does!  
John: change form!!

One long and Sailor-Moon-esque transformation sequence, that I don't have the budget to show, later...

* * *

John: ta-da!  
Dave: holy shit  
Dave: my best friends a girl  
Dave: shit my entire team is now mostly girls  
Dave: so uuh  
Dave: shit what should i call you  
Dave: john as a name for girl you doesnt feel right  
June: i like "june".  
June: it's kinda just this hunch. the name popped up in my head and i liked it.  
Dave: got it, june  
Dave: shit this is kinda wierd for me  
Dave: like the guy youve been talking to for fuck knows how long suddenly has an impressive rack and has a voice that's almost but not entirely what youre used to  
June: it's fine!  
June: also........ thanks........ i guess??  
June: i kinda just like the experience.  
June: ok what if this is how drag queens feel?  
June: like that kinda weird sense of empowerment or whatever  
June: but this makes me feel oddly happy  
June: like........ happier than what i'd expect out of this.  
Karkat: DAVE, WHO IS THIS OTHER HUMAN AND WHY ARE THEY VAGUELY FAMILIAR?  
Dave: shit karkats here too  
June: hi karkat!  
Karkat: OH SWEET JEGUS, IS THAT JOHN?  
June: yep!  
Karkat: EGBERT, YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT A "HOMOSEXUAL", THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU ARE BEARING A FEMALE FORM.  
Karkat: I DON'T EXACTLY CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND HUMAN ROMANCE, BUT IF YOU ARE AIMING FOR BLACKROM, THE BOYANCY HULL HAS LONG DEPARTED.  
June: no!!  
June: i just found this magic toblerone that gives me a girl's body, and i like using it!  
Dave: karkat do i have to explain how sometimes humans arent exactly 100% okay with the bodies they get  
Karkat: I FEEL LIKE I UNDERSTAND ENOUGH. IF EGBERT WANTS TO HAVE A FEMALE FORM. I WILL *ATTEMPT* TO SUPPORT HIM.  
Karkat: LIKE SO:  
Karkat: EGBERT, YOU ARE "REASONABLY ATTRACTIVE", FOR A HUMAN FEMALE.  
June: :/  
June: thanks  
Terezi: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 R3TURN3D  
Terezi: TH1S "POST-C4NON" S33MS N1C3  
Terezi: 4ND JOHN, YOU 4R3 LOOK1NG 3XC3LL3NT >:]  
June: it's "june".  
June: and you're here too?  
Terezi: YOU KNOW TH4T YOU C4NNOT 3SC4P3 M3, "JUN3".  
Dave: oh shit hi terezi  
Terezi: H3LLO, COOLK1D  
Terezi: 4LSO, 1T 4PP34RS TH4T SOM3ON3 1S 1NT3NT1ON4LLY 1GNOR1NG MY PR3S3NC3  
Terezi: K4RK4T  
Karkat: WHAT?  
Karkat: I WAS EXPECTING PEOPLE TO SLOWLY, BUT SURELY ARRIVE IN THIS SHITHOLE.  
Karkat: YOU WERE A GIVEN.  
Terezi: 4ND "JUN3", YOU 4PP34R TO T4ST3 D1FF3R3NT  
John: augh!!  
John: wait  
John: terezi! what did you do?  
Terezi: 4 M3R3 4CT OF GR33T1NG  
John: whatever, i'll activate it again later.  
John: anyway, i'm bored.  
John: who wants to just chew the fat?  
Dave: sure  
Karkat: AGREED.  
Terezi: 1 SH4LL L34V3 TO 3XPLOR3 TH3 SURROUND1NG 4R34 John: ok.  
John: bye. Karkat: I GUESS I MAY JOIN HER AS WELL.  
Dave: so i guess it's just us two.  
John: yeah........

* * *

...And so concluded Atlas' opening scene, he felt it was honestly a little fast-paced, but overall acceptable. He still felt he was a novice


	2. A Lull, and a Conversation about Simping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and friends chew the fat over the concept of "simping".

* * *

John: hey, uhm, dave?  
Dave: yeah  
John: i've got a question to ask.  
Dave: ok shoot  
John: i've been hearing this term being thrown around a lot lately...  
John: what's a "simp"?  
Dave: oh my fucking god john  
Dave: i am so fucking glad you dont know about this kind of shit  
Dave: like i wish i was able to live in such blissful innocence  
Dave: so with that said are you sure you want to know  
John: uhm... ok then.  
John: sure.  
Dave: so its basically where some guy or girl tries way too fucking hard to get laid  
Dave: like blowing your hard earned spondoolicks on some girl to try and get a date  
Dave: personally i feel like im too scarred to catch myself even thinking of simping  
John: how so?  
Dave: you know john  
Dave: you know  
Dave: also should i be calling you june when youre a guy  
John: nah, it's fine.

* * *

Karkat: WHAT'S ALL THE FUCKING NOISE?  
John: oh hi, karkat, we were talking about simps!  
Karkat: WHAT?  
Karkat: LIKE SOME KIND OF "SIMPLETON"?  
Dave: ok this is gonna be fucking rich if he finds out  
Dave: as i was explaining to john simps are basically when people try way too hard to get laid  
Karkat: OH THAT'S FUCKING RICH.  
Karkat: SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING GIANT CHUNK OF MOST OF MY OLD TEAM.  
John: wait, what?  
Karkat: LIKE ERIDAN, FOR EXAMPLE, WAS ONE GIANT HOPELESS ROMANTIC  
Karkat: AND THAT'S *HOPELESS* ROMATIC IN THE MOST LITERAL SENSE POSSIBLE.  
Karkat: LIKE THERE WAS NO FUCKING CONCEPT OF HOPE FOR ANY QUADRANT FILLING WHATSOEVER.  
Dave: so it was that troll who got friendzoned out of troll friendzone  
Dave: shit thats peak simping right there  
Karkat: AND HE FUCKING KILLED THE GIRL HE WAS QUADRANTING OUT OF PURE UNBRIDLED BITTERNESS.  
Karkat: SURE, HE COULD HAVE EASILY MASKED IT AS BETRAYING THE TEAM, AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT HE HAD IN MIND.  
Karkat: BUT I THINK MOST OF US KNEW HE WAS JUST BITTER.  
Karkat: AS FOR THE OTHER "SIMPS" IN MY TEAM...  
Karkat: KANAYA WAS GOING AROUND AUSPICISICING LIKE FUCKING CRAZY  
Dave: ok i have to disagree  
Dave: kanaya settled down with someone and seems pretty happy  
Kanaya: I Would Like To Second This With My Breif Interjection  
Kanaya: I Would Love To Talk About This But I Have Matters To Attend To Regarding The State Of This New Establishment  
Kanaya: Also I Am Looking For My Loving Wife To-Be  
Dave: ok so you arent a simp  
Dave: shit didnt expect her to come and mic drop us like that  
Karkat: SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT "SIMPING" IS LIMITED TO ONE QUADRANT?  
Dave: i mean human romance is a lot more limited than troll shit  
Dave: so i guess we wouldnt have a single flying fuck of an idea on how black or flushed simping works  
John: a kismesis simp kinda sounds like some cartoon where one guy's completely oblivious to the other's hate.  
John: ok troll simping sounds really, really complicated.  
Dave: shit have we uncovered something about troll society  
Dave: like some deep dark underbelly  
Karkat: TROLL SOCIETY IS SHITTY AS IT IS, DAVE. THERE'S NOTHING BEING HIDDEN AWAY.  
Dave: ok ok since were already on the topic of your team members being simps  
Dave: is terezi a simp  
Terezi: 1 WOULD L1K3 TO D1S4GR33  
John: HOLY FUCK WHAT?!  
Terezi: 1 N3V3R THOUGHT 1 WOULD B3 PL4Y1NG D3F3NS3, BUT FOR TH1S P3TTY 1NST4NC3, 1 SH4LL  
John: TEREZI FUCKING HELL I ALMOST DIED!!  
Terezi: D4V3, PL34S3 NOT3 TH4T THROUGHOUT MY 1NT3R4CT1ONS W1TH BOTH OF MY T34M, 4ND W1TH YOU HUM4NS, 1 H4V3 N3V3R D1R3CTLY P3RSU3D 4 R3L4T1ONSH1P W1TH SUCH 4GR3SS1ON  
Terezi: 1 M4Y H4V3 SL1GHT BL4CK F33L1NGS FOR 3GB3RT, BUT 4M 1 TRY1NG TO 4CT1V3LY B3 P41LM4T3S W1TH "TH3M"?  
Dave: ok ok i get it you arent a simp cased closed  
Terezi: 1 N3V3R THOUGHT 1T WOULD B3 TH1S 34SY, D4V3 >:[  
Terezi: 1 W4S 3XP3CT1NG SOM3 K1ND OF 4CTU4L CH4LL3NG3  
Dave: i realised it was a shit idea  
Dave: partially because you just warp in from nowhere whenever we say your name  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 MY W4YS >:]  
John: ok, ok, my turn.  
John: is equius a simp?  
Dave: oh gog why did you have to bring him up  
Karkat: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF HE QUALIFIES, BUT HE'S IN A WHOLE OTHER REALM OF "WHAT THE FUCK".  
Karkat: LIKE I HAVE NO IDEA IF MATESPIRITSHIP WAS EVEN AN OPTION FOR HIM.  
Terezi: M4Y 1 L34V3 NOW?  
Dave: sure no ones actually gonna stop you  
Dave: i kinda have half a mind to follow you myself  
Karkat: SO, ANYWAY,  
Karkat: IT'S MY THEORY THAT EQUIUS IS LIKE SOME FORM OF SIMP INVERSION  
Karkat: LIKE HE JUST LIKED STRONG SHIT AND MUSCLES.  
Karkat: HE WAS PROBABLY JUST FLUSHED FOR HIMSELF, IN RETROSPECT.  
Karkat: LIKE IF THERE WAS TWO EQUIUSES, THERE'D BE AN UNBREAKABLE MATESPIRIT BOND OF WRITHING MUSCLES AND SWEAT.  
Dave: oh sweet jegus the image  
Dave: why  
Dave: its like my brain just conjured an equius on equius porno and forced me to watch it clockwork orange style  
Karkat: IT'S OKAY, WE'RE IN THE SAME BOYANCY HULL TOGETHER.  
Karkat: IT'S AMAZING WHAT THE TROLL THINK PAN CAN COME UP WITH WITHOUT SOPOR SLIME.  
Dave: yeah fuck this im going to go see if i can alchemize a neuralizer  
Dave: hopefully this place has sburb gear  
Dave: we have a copy of men in black right  
John: i don't think so.  
Dave: fuck


	3. More Feferi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I get exactly what I want. More Feferi, and more High!Gamzee.

Feferi: *GASP*  
Feferi: Wait!  
Feferi: I'm alive!  
Feferi: I'M ALIIIIV-----EEEEEE!  
Feferi: T)(AT M--EANS I CAN FINALLY ENACT MY PLAN OF WORLD DOMINATION!!!! >8D  
Feferi: MUA)(A)(A)(A)(A)(AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  
Feferi: THE WORLD WILL FINALLY BOW UND-ER MY R-EIGN OF )(UGS, SMIL-ES AND FISH PUNS!!  
Feferi: NO ONE WILL BE SAFE FROM MY MANDATORY SUPPLY OF BAKED GOODS!  
Feferi: (unless they're allergic...)   
Gamzee: Oh HeY tHeRe, FeFeRi.  
Gamzee: DoN'T MiNd mE, i'M jUsT ChIlLiNg hErE PoSt-cAnOn LiKe YoU aRe. :o)   
Feferi: Wait, w)(at?  
Feferi: Post... Canon??? 38<   
Gamzee: YeAh tHiS Is wHeRe eVeRyOnE GoEs wHeN ThEy'vE FiNiShEd mOsT Of tHe eVeNtS In tHe gRaNd sToRy tHaT OuR WiCkEd hOnKfArThEr sEt oUt fOr uS.  
Gamzee: YoU'Re mOtHeRfUcKiNg aLiVe, FeF.  
Gamzee: MoRe aLiVe tHaN YoU'Ll eVeR Be.   
Feferi: So, I guess everyfin is... okay now...   
Gamzee: HeLl yEaH, sIsTeR.  
Gamzee: ThIs iS ThE MoThErFuCkInG SaLvAtIoN I'Ve aLwAyS WaNtEd. Bo)  
Gamzee: Oh sHiT, i fOrGoT.  
Gamzee: EvErYoNe eLsE Is hErE.   
Feferi: Like... -Eridan...?   
Gamzee: YeAh, I ThInK So.   
Feferi: Oooo)( gluuuuuubbbbb. 3X(  
Feferi: I'm going to )(ave to listen to )(im w)(ale, aren't I?   
Gamzee: YoU CoUlD JuSt sTaY HeRe wItH Me.  
Gamzee: BeEn aWhIlE SiNcE I FiXeD Up a pIe wItH SoMeOnE By mY SiDe.   
Feferi: T)(ank you, Gamzee. I appreciate it.  
Feferi: I'd... like to make some cookies as well, if t)(at's okay wit)( you? 38)   
Gamzee: Oh sHiT, sOpOr cOoKiEs sOuNd mOtHeRfUcKiNg dElIcIoUs.   
Feferi: 38O  
Feferi: I COULD MAK--E FAYGO COOKI--ES!!   
Gamzee: PREACH, SISTER!  
Gamzee: oh shit.  
Gamzee: SoRrY.   
Feferi: It's okay.

* * *

Eridan: fef?  
Eridan: wwhat are you doin here?  
Feferi: WAT-ERVER I GLUBBING WANT!  
Feferi: NO COOKIES FOR YOU!!  
Feferi: YOU FUCKING MURDERED ME.  
Eridan: maybe i could-  
Feferi: NO. >38(  
Eridan: fef wwhat else is there to do  
Feferi: NOTHING.  
Feferi: NOW GO.  
Dave: yo whats the fucking commotion  
Dave: and also have you seen a copy of men in black and a pen  
Gamzee: >:o(  
Dave: oh shit its that simp troll we were just talking about you  
Eridan: wwhat??  
Eridan: simp??  
Dave: fuck why do i have to keep explaining shit  
Dave: simps are basically when people try way too hard to get laid  
Feferi: O)(.  
Feferi: OOO)( MY COD IT'S )(IM! 3XD  
Eridan: WWHAT  
Eridan: FEFERI WWHAT THE FUCK  
Feferi: IT'S YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!  
Feferi: N-EV-ER )(AV-E I S--E--EN SUC)( A FLAGRANT AND T-ERRIBL-E ATT-EMPT AT PAILMAT-ERY  
Feferi: T)(ANK YOU SO MUC)(, )(UMAN!!  
Dave: no prob fish girl  
Feferi: Uuuug)(, I t)(ink I pulled somet)(ing... 3X(  
Eridan: HOWW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THAT HUMAN  
Gamzee: ShIt, ErIdAn, JuSt rElAx, TrY SoMe fReSh pIe, BrOtHeR.  
Dave: yeah im not gonna deal with the juggalo or troll fish harry potter here  
Dave: peace  
Eridan: COME BACK HERE  
Feferi: )(-EY )(UMAN, COME BACK )(-ER-E IF YOU WANT SOM-E FR-ES)( COOKI-ES!  
Dave: im ok but thanks fish lady  
Dave: if theres any left call me  
Feferi: Sure!  
Feferi: -Eridan, don't fight him, it's just going to end in you dying again.  
Eridan: ok  
Feferi: Ugh, fine.  
Feferi: You can have *one*.  
Feferi: And you better be nice. >38<  
Gamzee: YoOoOoOo.  
Gamzee: ThEsE cOoKiEs ArE mOtHeRfUcKiNg AmAzInG, fEfErI.  
Gamzee: ShIt, WhEn YoU gOiNg To Be MaKiNg MoRe?  
Eridan: i  
Eridan: agree  
Eridan: fef im sorry okay  
Eridan: this isnt some attempt to get more cookies and shit  
Eridan: nor is this a tactical decision  
Feferi: As your superior, I order you to spend some time in your respiteblock t)(inking about your actions.  
Eridan: ok  
Eridan: still im not a fuckin simp  
Feferi: And, uuu)(...  
Feferi: I don't really know.  
Feferi: )(ow about we celebrate tavros' arrival wit)( some more?  
Gamzee: HeLl YeAh, SoUnDs LiKe A gOoD iDeA. :o)  
Tavros: uHH,,, gUYS,  
Tavros: wHERE AM I,  
Feferi: 38D  
Feferi: )(-E'S )(---ER-E!  
Tavros: gAMZEE,  
Tavros: iS THAT YOU,  
Gamzee: HeLl YeAh, My BrOtHeR, wE wE'rE jUsT aBoUt To StArT a PaRtY tO cElEbRaTe YoUr ReTuRn.  
Tavros: eVERYTHING FEELS KINDA ACHEY FOR SOME REASON,,,  
Feferi: I t)(ink t)(at's just your body readjusting to everyfin again.  
Feferi: Want to )(elp me make some more baked goods?  
Tavros: yEAH,

* * *

And there was plenty cookies made.

**Author's Note:**

> So uuh, feedback in the comments! Tell me what you like, and what you don't like. This is my very first time doing this sort of thing, and I'm really taking it as it comes, also, I'm incorporating some pre-existing fan dialoglogs into this work, so your feedback might not be fully apparent until later.


End file.
